I’m Back, And This Time: I Mean Business

So… I went to the mainland. I went to Seattle. Totally love that city. In fact, I do believe that’s a viable option for me in the future. Despite my usual disdain for the city. I even saw the apartment complex I HAVE to live in.

I will live here. I swear I will.

Anyway, I took a cruise to Alaska, and I was subject to fashion of all shapes and unfortunate sizes. So I thought it be fitting my first returning post would be a bunch of absolute fashion dont’s that I was unfortunate enough to be subjected to. Oh god, I hope I can recover.

The first and foremost absolute fashion don’t is something I was hoping some something like the sewer gator: an urban legend. Unfortunately, this exists, and I saw at least 3 examples of it. In the same day. What else could I be referring other than Justin Bieber chic.

No, that poor unfortunate individual is not Justin Bieber.

I had heard of this phenomena, this blight, if you will, on the fashion world called Justin Bieber chic, which seems to be the fashionable copying of Justin Bieber’s dress. Basically an army of pre-pubescent faggots. I’d hoped it was just a rumor that I was hearing echoing round the nets, but it isn’t. I saw 3 examples of these retards in my recent travels. God help them.

For more information/pictures/lulz go to Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Now am I the only one who sees what wrong with this? Not on is Justin Bieber a collision of fashion horrendous clothing choices, he represents a mindless cookie-cutter generation of music. This so-called style makes me sick, and I hope these poor souls choosing to copy his “style” find the error of their ways soon.

Whose idea was neon colored plaid shirts?

That’s the best picture I can come up with. But I’ve been noticing a trend in the “skater kid” and hipster populations. That is brightly colored plaid shirts. Ok. So plaid I’m fond of, I’ve been known to sport it in both over-shirt form and jacket form. But there’s one golden rule with plaid: pair it, don’t wear that shit by itself. It becomes too much.

Now, I want to meet whoever said that brightly colored plaid was an ok idea, I want to meet them, and I want to hit them with a shovel. Hipsters wearing tight-fitting neon-green plaid is not an ok fashion statement. But then again, most hipster fashion these days is pretty nasty regardless. There have been very few people, most of which were women, that I have seen with these shirts on and have pulled it off. But then again, they accessorized very well and knew what to pair it with. Lets face it, as dudes, we don’t really have much of an innate fashion sense. So please, next time you’re going to pick something like this up, PLEASE, consider what you’re wearing it with. You look like a jackass.

Big rhinestone stud. Lolololololololol.

This one isn’t so bad in comparison. But I see it on fucking EVERYBODY. Seriously, if you’re a 15 year old white kid with blond curls: this is not for you. Stop trying.

But giant rhinestone studs. Really? And it doesn’t seem to matter what you’re wearing, people just kind of put them on. This is even a style that can look good on pretty much anyone, if worn appropriately. Wearing them in conjunction with your construction worker clothes: not such a grand idea, fellas. (Not even joking, was working 2 weeks ago with this shit). Wearing them with a classy suit: OK. It can add a certain edge to such attire. Wearing them with basket ball jersey, marijuana t-shirt, over-sized basketball shorts, and pasty white skin: not so much.

Just learn when and where.

Unless you’re Tupac, tying a bandanna around your head like a goddamn ninja makes you look like a jack ass. Especially when you’re also sporting something like a mohawk or one of those gay straw cowboy hats. You look like a cunt. Please, save me, save yourself, save all the special needs children that think you look awesome the trouble: find something different to wear.

This just about concludes our broadcast for this evening, I hope this was enlightening and I hope you all learned something: wear what you want, but don’t make yourself look like a mouth breather.

You’ve Reached The Criminal Inside of Me, Please Hold.

Alright, I got my Newports in a front pocket, new kicks on my feet, and I’m getting ready to board the plane for Seattle. I’ll be gone for a couple weeks. I’m gonna be three sheets to the wind, be all pressed up, my Stacy’s will be sopping wet. I’m just headed down to the corner to get a pack of cigarettes, I’ll be back. I gotta make like a hockey player and get the puck outta here.

Alice in Reviewland

Yes, it’s about that time once more. MORGAN IS RANTING ABOUT ALICE IN WONDERLAND… again.

Original John Tenniel Illustration of Alice

So in my previous review I went over the Tim Burton’s film… Well, abortion is more accurate a term. I looked favorably initially upon Tim Burton’s, erm, adaption of my favorite story ever. But upon further review, research, and overall nightly rage-sessions over it, I’ve decided: this shit sucks.

Alice's depiction in the 1951 film.

Now, I agree, the film was visually stunning. Almost the most visually stunning live-action film of the year, I would go so far. But really, that’s pretty much all it has going for it. The storyline, while decent, seems half-developed, alongside completely forgettable depictions of classic characters, and a exceedingly boring female lead.

Visually, I was amazed. The settings where spectacular. But the clueless nature of the titular Alice astounded me. Her boring portrayal lacked both the interest-grabbing of even such depictions as those in American McGee’s Alice. Nor did the performance contain the sweet innocence of the character, or ultimately that very nature of the character at all! Even such characters of American McGee’s… and even the Alice depicted in Alice in Sexland bore some fundamental characteristics that tied the character to the one of Lewis Carroll’s world. That trait generally being an often times morbid curiosity with the strange and changing world around them, going head first into strange situations simply for the sake of the itch of curiosity. This version of Alice doesn’t share any such trait. Her main motivation through the strange world is to escape the strange world. And never once do I ever perceive that she even cares about the characters around her. In short: she’s selfish.

American McGee's Alice

I’ve decided that while very stunning visually, and that it does recreate the world quite vividly, the actual storyline and characters lack the interest and attention-getting abilities of their counterparts. Such as the Mad Hatter, March Hair, and the quasi-Red Queen they had going there, these characters are completely forgettable and none have the charm that they should or have had. So as a review: Tim  Burton, your new movie lacks substance, anything meaningful at all is quickly drowned out by poor characterization, poor acting, and an exceedingly loud set design. It’s almost like you were trying to use the stunning visual nature of the film to distract us from your relatively mediocre movie.

I’ve Found a New Thrifty Love!

I’ve found a new thrify love! This love, I think, is going to take the place of such things as eBay and even real life thrift stores at my side. I was on Thrifty Threads and was reading blog posts about being thrifty (imagine that!) and I kept coming across store names that didn’t interest me, but the website Etsy which I have had relatively little actual experience with kept coming up. So I checked it out.

This shit is balls awesome! I’ve been browsing it for a week, checking out all the awesome deals (especially in the vintage clothing section for men), and I’ve found a few items that have piqued my interest. Including these spectacular suspenders:

Anyway, check this shit out. Etsy has been really sexy lately.

Letters to the Music Industry: Bjork

Dear, Bjork,

You’re an Icelandic pop-singer and shit. And while to some your music might seem out of my norm… You know, because of my disdain for certain pop-artists in mainstream society. But you’re not exactly in the mainstream, are you? At least not completely. You’re like Tom Waits… ubiquitous but not totally known. However, I have no qualms with Tom Waits.

Bjork, I love Vespertine, and a good amount of your other albums are simply put: amazing. You’re a very talented singer, your work with The Sugarcubes is phenomenal! But honey, you’re crazy as shit. Be it radical politics or brutal assault, Bjork, baby, you never let me down.

To be honest, Vespertine is the only one of your solo albums that I truly enjoy from start to finish, and I guess I’m a bit of an oddity in this because most people love every one of your albums. If there’s one thing I can say, you don’t skimp in the diversity department. Vespertine being a great example, with it expanding from electronic to pop with almost everything in between. (You must be tired of me mentioning Vespertine, but I love it). You know, I also deeply enjoyed Homogenic and to a lesser degree Debut. Which both stand as testaments to your diversity as an artist.

You’re an anarchist, it seems, but you’re a little too leftist, even for my own anarchist beliefs. Your daddy is apparently a leader of the Icelandic union leader, which is pretty cool and all. I don’t know enough about it to really comment. But you’re a supporter of all kinds of libertarian movements. So I’m just gonna call you a pinko douche and be done with it. Then there was that whole paparazzi assault thing. Bitch, you be trippin’.

Bjork, stop hurting the Chinese government’s feelings.

Love,

Morgan.

Ignorance is only bliss for the Ignorant…

So, as Morgan suggested earlier, I’ve decided to write an article about Ignorant “Metal Fans.” I put quotation marks there because there are basically two types of those people: People legitimately into Heavy Metal who are simply misinformed, and people who simply believe everything with distortion/overdrive in it is “Metal,” regardless of how much actual Metal they have heard.

The first type of person, I’m generally a lot nicer to, because I was like that once too. I’ll freely admit that when I was twelve and really didn’t understand Metal Music, I would assume that bands like Korn and such were actually Metal. And that is perfectly alright, considering that, at the time, I had no internet access, no television beyond local, antenna shit, and basically had to rely on my dad who was pretty damn out of touch. (He firmly believes that Death Metal is not Metal, and that the Genre died long, long ago) Of course, when I got onto the internet, I immediately began to broaden my horizons to where they are now. From what I have observed, most other people who are legitimately into Metal are much like I was, even if they occasionally argue. Hence, they’re usually just a few recommendations away from realizing how lame Korn actually are.

The other group though…

I hate Avenged Sevenfold with more fury than a thousand tornadoes battling a thousand ManOwaRs at the nexus of a thousand portals to hell...

You all know them. The douche bags who run around, spouting off how awesome “A7x” are and playing really shitty covers of System Of A Down. (For the record, I actually like some System Of A Down) They readily conform to what MTV feeds them on their pathetic shows like “Headbangers Ball.” Look, no matter how much I hate their choice in music, (and I do) I’m not angry at them for choosing it: I’m angry because they consistently besmirch the concept of Metal Music and they way it’s perceived. Ozzy gets us enough bad publicity, I really don’t need people like Trivium trying to procreate their distorted and frankly bullshit view of Heavy Metal. Heavy Metal music is not about “Helping The Fallen” or any of the other pretentious bullshit I’ve seen these twits spout out in an attempt to hide the fact that they know about as much about Metal as the average butterfly. Heavy Metal is too diverse a genre filled with too diverse of artists to try to pigeon hole it as having one big philosophical force uniting it, much less one that is hard to find in Metal as a whole.

Again, it’s not that people don’t listen to Metal music that bothers me, (I’ve got quite a fondness for Punk Rock and Blues myself) it’s that they have no idea what they are talking about and yet will act like they are the end all, be all authority on Heavy Metal. Look, if you can’t name at least three bands per-subgenre that you didn’t see on MTV, just stop being so preachy about what is and is not Metal. It’s fine if you’re not an expert on the music, because, well, it’s a pretty useless skill anyways. (It’s only gotten me tits once because said tits happened to be very into Iron Maiden before they met me)

Another point to make here is applicable to ALL the ignorant people about Metal, be them fans or not: Get the god damn subgenre you’re using right if you’re not just going to call the band you’re talking about “Heavy Metal.” Whether the band is Cannibal Corpse, Black Sabbath, Slayer or Immortal, calling them Heavy Metal will always make you infinitely less stupid than calling Metallica “Death Metal” or Children Of Bodom “Thrash Metal.” If you’re ignorant, accept that and stop acting like you’re as well schooled in the genre as someone like Me or Morgan. If you don’t know what to call a band like Judas Priest, just ask someone who actually does know! We’d be happy to tell you, and probably try to push their music onto you. (Sorry, we do that) Another part of this problem is when you go and create new subgenres. Here is a short list of some of the fake types of Metal I have heard of before:

• Slasher Metal
• Abyssal Metal
• Laptop Metal
• Satanic Metal (This one is touchy because sometimes it’s just meant to refer to Satanic/Anti-Christian bands, but not as a genre, and thus occasionally has merit)
• Slam-Death Metal
• Murder Metal
• War Metal
• Battle Metal
• Pagan Metal (This one is also touchy because, like Satanic Metal, it’s sometimes just meant to refer to Pagan bands, not a genre, and thus also has merit at times)
• Hate Metal

And the list, like the Road, goes on forever.

Did I just reference the great Robert Earl Keen?

Seriously though, it’s even more annoying than people who use the wrong genre and it’s often useless anyways. You really don’t need to make up a new genre for every band that sounds slightly different to you that the last band. If it’s a band like Crotchduster, or  Portal (Aus), then I can sort of understand it since it’s a little hard to say exactly what those bands play. (Technical/Experimental Death/Black Metal is a bit of a mouth-full…) But for god’s sake, when it’s a band who are actually on MTV or something like that, they got there with a genre well in place before you heard of them. You are NOT the first person to ever hear Meshuggah and wonder “What the fuck is this?” Like I said before, when in doubt, just call it “Heavy Metal” and leave it at that. It’s simple, effective, and makes you look dramatically less stupid. Now, if a large number of bands start all following a similar sound, (For example, if about 50 bands like Portal show up) then it would be ok to try to name them something new. Until then, they can be the one Technical/Experimental Death/Black Metal band.

Also, cocks.

Sincerely,

-Zero, Thrasher from the Pasture.

Christianity + Heavy Metal = Harmony?

So, as some of you may already know, I’m a fairly devout Christian. (Nondenominational, in case you were curious) As you can imagine, this makes for a fairly interesting life when you add in my affinity for Heavy Metal. I thought I’d give some of you my point of view on the state of being a Christian who listens to arguably the most anti-christian music mankind has made.

(For the record, this is just my point of view, as I stated. Don’t assume this is an end all, be all to the discussion about this admittedly bizarre topic, because it’s not)

I’ll address the most obvious aspect of the music, which is the oft overtly anti-christian nature of many of the bands. First, let me start by saying my enjoyment of anti-christian bands has been on a decline lately, although more due to changing tastes I think than a true sense of being offended. I really don’t listen to Satanic Death Metal very much all these days, especially compared to a few years ago. In fact, out of the small handful of Satanic/Anti-Christian bands I still do listen to, very few of them are actually serious. Bands like Venom and Slayer honestly just did their Satanic image out of a desire to shock more than a desire to express any honestly diabolical intentions. Besides, Venom make me laugh, and I can never hate something  that makes me laugh.

As for that small number of dedicated, anti-christian bands who I listen to? I’ve been at peace with the simple fact that I enjoy bands like Judas Iscariot simply because of the dark atmosphere and interesting musicality they have. Their message couldn’t possibly be any more meaningless to me. I really don’t care what groups like Morbid Angel think of my choice of beliefs, and really, why should I? After all, I know that there are staggeringly few people left who will listen to solely Christian music. Every person in my church, except the elderly, I believe, listen to secular music with some degree of frequency, even if it’s just Toby Keith. Who are they to criticize me for a small handful of legitimately anti-christian artists I rarely even listen to anymore? (Besides, if Trey Azagthoth can like Mozart, why can’t I like Try Azagthoth?)

Another place I’ve noticed people taking issue is with Metal Themes in general. Rebellion, Murder, Suicide, etc., commonly raise the suspicion of people, and for good reason. They’re pretty nasty things, on the whole, and I completely understand that some people might be offended by the lyrical content of bands like Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, and possibly even Amon Amarth on a bad day. It’s simply something most people pretend doesn’t exist because it’s horrific to them. In regards to my faith, it ought to be even more offensive, eh? The answer is: Not really. Yeah, I’m not for everyone becoming a bunch of murderous loonies, but sin is a part of life. From the smallest act of selfishness to the most abhorrent crime against nature, it’ll always be a part of everyone’s life. Frankly, I have become quite used to the fact that bad things will happen to good people. It’s happened to me and to people I know. Hearing music embracing these issues in some small way often helps me feel better, because it at least makes me feel like somebody has taken notice when awful stuff happens. Especially in regards to the more depressing themes present in Metal Music, simply knowing that other people have been hurt like I have and managed to turn it into something that is beautiful, (at least to me) makes me feel so much better. As for themes of murder, hyper-violence and bizarre sex-acts? It’s all tongue in cheek and it’s no more serious than Monty Python, so fuck off.

I suppose the last real thing I will touch on is Christian Metal. This is  kind of a weird subject for me since I generally found the genre to be very, let’s say, trite and dumb, until recently. Suffice to say, after a little bit of Mortification and Crimson Moonlight, I’ve had my opinions swayed much more in favor of this strange type of music. It’s certainly different from the many worship concerts I’ve been a part of. (Yes, that means I’ve played worship music. It was fun too. Got a problem with that?) It is fun though, in the sense that it provides me with a way to listen to aggressive music without having to hear someone grunt about how great Satan is and how Evil Christians are. Besides, at least they tend to be better than Stryper.

I seriously fucking hate Stryper.

-Zero

This World Is So Evil, Lord, Lord, Lord!

A review! A review! A review! Amen!

Those Poor Bastards, a country-doom outfit out of Madison, Wisconsin. You all know that I’m a big fan of true country music, lofi, and Mr. Shelton Hank Williams III. So naturally I was drawn to this bleak shit. The reviews on the Learn section of the website somehow dont do this justice.

Self-proclaimed “prophets of country-doom”, these two are both ordained holiness preachers. The hard twang of banjos, acoustic guitars, and the deep booming voice that could only belong to a Baptist preacher-man.

I have listened to both albums Satan Is Watching and Songs of Desperation. And I have come to the conclusion this is amazing music. It’s very bleak, and it doesn’t pull its punches. These are both excellent albums and I suggest them for everyone. This is what country music is about.

Oh, Summer Time.

Summer time is quickly leaving, and I figure “what the hell, I’ll be the most cliché boring motherfucker I can be, and post up a list of summertime goals.” If you can, I’d love to hear some comments with your goals. Hint, hint, wink, wink.

GOAL NUMBAH ONE

Work, make money over the summer is probably my primary goal, and boy oh boy is it going well. With this in mind, I’ll have plenty of cash for my trip up to the frozen wastes of Alaska and then some left over for my trek into college life in Arizona.

GOAL NUMBAH 2

Catch up on some light reading. (Picture courtesy of Fuck Me Like That) currently I am reading Guns of the South by Harry Turtledove, which is speculative fiction about if the South had won the Civil War, the history is right on and I’m happy to report he doesn’t portray the south as a bunch of racist hicks. Which they definitely were not. So far I have completed Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita alongside The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway and Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas, as well as Mexico City Blues by Jack Kerouac. Next on my list are For Whom The Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway and Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs.

GOAL NUMBAH 3

Piss away my time in fields, amongst the grass and flowers. Before I go away forever I’d like to do so with friends here in Hawaii that I’ll likely not see for a very long time.

GOAL NUMBAH 4

Survive the post-apocalypse while scantily clad with nothing but my classic car and an arsenal of weaponry.

What can I say? I’m a man of simple pleasures.

Letters to the Music Industry: Henry Rollins

Dear, Henry Rollins,

I’d just like to thank you in part for giving me the idea to begin these weekly Letters. Your biting wit and humor has always been a big inspiration and always put a smile on my face. You’re an amazing human being. I may not agree with your politics, but you’re a talented man, and one of the best front-men to hit the music industry in a long time.

Listen, Henry. In your day you pumped out some of the best of the movement of American Hardcore. You are so INFINITELY better than Jello Biafra or any of those other asshats who called themselves punks. Black Flag can never be overrated, unlike Dead Kennedys or Anti-Flag. Your spoken-word on Family Man is always a welcome listen for me, I’ve always loved the album, and I truly think that the song Armageddon Man is your best. It’s easily my favorite Black Flag song. In fact, I’ve been planning this letter to you ever since I started doing these letters.

Aside from your music, I’ve seen you in films, and as you have said yourself, you aren’t a very good actor, but I love ya. Your small part in the Christmas film Jack Frost was just plain awful (but then again, so was that movie). But on a more recent note: your work on easily my favorite non-cartoon show Sons of Anarchy made me grin, made me cry, and overall was the greatest acting I’ve ever seen you do.

And your documentaries are simply spectacular, your documentary of post-Katrina New Orleans was simply heart-breaking. And I’ve seen your tour of Ireland which was also rather heart-wrenching.

So I guess that’s it. I look up to you, man. Even with your bat-shit politics, you’re pretty cool.

Love,

Morgan

PS- Check out Jesse Morris doing a cover of a Black Flag song in the voice of Johnny Cash: