Letters to the Music Industry: Kid Rock

Dear, Kid Rock,

You fucking suck, man. I mean seriously. The whole rap-rock fad dissolved and you’re still plaguing people’s ears with your bullshit? And worse yet, these days you’re plaguing people with some kind of  Southern Rock… Country music… atrocity. You came out with a country song a few years back, which for some inexplicable reason was a BIG radio hit. The song sucks, buddy. Something about cheating on your girlfriend and getting drunk, and she’s cheating on you at the same time, and neither of you can look at each other’s pictures or some shit because you both feel guilty.

Literally the only thing worse than that song that was extremely popular at the same time was the Counting Crows cover of Big Yellow Taxi. But this point is neither here nor there.

Truthfully, Robert, you wouldn’t disgust me quite so much if you just stuck to second-rate rapping, instead you have to try your hand at being a Southerner and writing some kind of “deep” country music. NEWS FLASH: you’re from fucking Michigan, dude. There is no way in hell you could ever pass off as a fucking Southerner. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with a Yankee fuck such as yourself writing country music (kindly note the irony in that statement), but how in the hell can you even pretend to be a Southern Rock musician, did I point out that you’re from MICHIGAN!? Please excuse me, but I think that means south of the Mason-Dixon line, not south of fucking Detroit.

I guess what truly pisses me off, Kid, is that you have a severe lack of talent. So much so you can even attempt to pass off the (I wont say, theft, and I won’t say plagiarism) the overuse of a certain well-known and very renown Lynyrd Skynyrd song to create your abomination All Summer Long. Seriously, how is that song popular? I feel like I’m taking fucking crazy pills over here. He took the opening chord progression of Sweet Home Alabama and played it over and over again with some retarded commentary about smoking “funny things” and fucking bitches out by the lake or something. Correct me if that last sentence was fallacious: “bitches” is the proper term used to describe females for a city kid from fucking Michigan, right?

I guess Hank III said it best when he described you, Robert:

“Kid Rock don’t come from where I come from. It’s true, he’s a Yank, he ain’t no son of Hank. And if you ever thought so, well goddamn you’re fucking dumb”.

If you go back to being a second-rate rapper and just stop trying to squeeze your way into the Pop-Country scene, you and I can coexist peacefully. Well. Maybe not peacefully but I certainly wont burn your house down as I currently have planned.

Love,

Morgan

Michigan in the Summer sure looks mysteriously like a run-down southern farm house.